


But Still I Find You (Next to Me)

by thecatbiscuit



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Implied Good Sexy Times, M/M, Maybe Mention of Cliche Kaisoo Love, Maybe Try to LIsten to the Song before Reading, mention of drug, mention of prison, or after, or during
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 11:17:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20563412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecatbiscuit/pseuds/thecatbiscuit
Summary: Stress lines and cigarettes, politics and deficitsLate bills and overages, screamin' and hollerin'But still you, still you want meOh, I always let you downYou're shattered on the groundBut still I find you there (Next to me)





	But Still I Find You (Next to Me)

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Everlasting #42  
Warnings: Fic is unbeta-ed and not edited for grammar/typo. Major self-doubt happened midway.  
Author’s note: The prompt was a song - Next to Me by Imagine Dragons. I was not thinking much when I chose the prompt except that it is one of my favorite songs. This is my first Best Days entry and while I was worried about how the fic will turn out, I wanted to finish the fic I started - good or bad. Thank you MODs who allowed my requests for extensions and for being so patient with my noob-y questions! To the prompter, I am not sure if this fic is what you had in mind, but I hope you will have a pleasant time reading it. I hope this fic will bring all of you hopes and smiles =)

_… If people wanted miracles, prison is the last place they think of. Prison is an unexplainable contradiction – part condemned grounds and part rehabilitation centre. Do people in general expect anyone who enters prison compounds to change overnight, or for the stipulated duration, and then get back to society with everyone pretending nothing happened? Those who are imprisoned definitely need to pay for their crimes with their time in there, but will time spent within those high walls of gloom, truly creates a conducive environment for anyone to change for the better? What happens during rehabilitation is just part of the long process, because what matters more is what happens after they are released and they merge back into society …_

His typing fingers paused. He closed his laptop and let out a huge sigh, almost like an exasperated grunt. His eyes were starting to get watery from too much screen time and his shoulders tensed, but he wanted to keep up with his thesis schedule. He was not happy with what he was typing at all. Lately he found it hard to continue with his research and there were more questions than answers in his head. He was just “not feeling it” anymore. Working full-time and studying part-time was not exactly the best decision Kyungsoo made. 

“Soo?” 

Hearing Jongin’s voice made Kyungsoo smile. This is something that he can never get used to and at the same time, never get enough of. When they decided to move in together three months ago, it was a big decision for both of them, given their unique circumstances. Things were working out pretty well, and he chose to believe that they have slowly adjusted to the current living arrangements. Some days, he still finds it hard to believe that he sees Jongin in his bed, sometimes clothed but most times not, the moment he wakes up from slumber. 

It was still hard to believe that they had met within the prison walls. 

For the last three years, Kyungsoo have been working as a Rehabilitation Officer and now, he is on the way to obtain his academic qualifications to become a certified Counsellor. Their paths first crossed when Jongin was sent to Kyungsoo to assist with weekly cell inventory. He met Jongin again when he conducted a motivational workshop for repeat offenders a year later, as part of the rehabilitation program. It was Jongin’s third time serving his sentence for the same offence, hence his stay was longer. Jongin had volunteered to assist Kyungsoo in classroom setups and workshop administrative work, in exchange for Kyungsoo’s recommendation for his early release based on good conduct. 

Over time, they had gotten closer and soon; it was difficult to ignore what they both felt.

It was not permitted for relationships to develop between the prisoners. Much worse, between officers and prisoners. This was a career risk that no officers were willing to take, because they have so much to lose if they were found out. Both Kyungsoo and Jongin realised, right from the onset, that they mus try to end things even before they started. It was very difficult, trying to keep their emotions in check all the time, within those damned walls. 

_“Nobody should notice and nobody must know,” _Kyungsoo always repeats that to himself but loud enough for Jongin to hear as well.

Jongin completed serving his third sentence a year ago, and things looked easier with one of them out of the dreary confines. They met on weekends or on Kyungsoo’s rest days, spending time like any other couples do except for one thing – they cannot be seen together in public, else it will jeopardise what Kyungsoo had built for himself.

It seemed like they were free from prison, but it certainly felt like they were still not. They had to be very careful. So, when Jongin suggested that Kyungsoo move in with him, Kyungsoo was elated and since then, things were better.

_Somewhat_.

“Hey, are you still on your thesis? Let’s do dinner because I am hungry. But if – wait. Were you doing your research in that?!”

Kyungsoo got jolted from his dazed thoughts as Jongin entered the room, and upon seeing Jongin with his dropped jaws, standing at the door with a weird smirk on his face, remembered he was wearing Jongin’s favourite boxers. Jongin burst into giggly snorts, while Kyungsoo tried to explain that he didn’t know it when he grabbed something to wear after his shower. 

That evening, dinner was a meal that they can never forget. By the end of it, they were holding on to each other tight, gasping for air while their sweaty bodies trembled and jerked in a sensual sync.

As they lay together, cocooned comfortably in each other’s arms and sharing an Egyptian cotton comforter, Kyungsoo wondered quietly if being a prisoner of crime and a prisoner of love, is the same thing. Are all of these worth the risk? Is Jongin worth it?

He pushed his thoughts away, and he pushed himself back into their spooning situation. It has only been less than a year that they made it official so he wanted to enjoy these moments as much as he can, without worrying about things which are out of their control.

“Why are you awake?” Jongin shifted his body slightly, and stretched his back.

“How did you guess?” Kyungsoo whispered back.

“You are breathing differently. Stop worrying, just sleep well with me,” Jongin replied, as he wrapped Kyungsoo closer to plant a kiss on his shoulder.

**

Jongin checked the time on his watch – 3am. He quietly moves around the house to get dressed, trying not to wake Kyungsoo up. He usually packs his belongings before he goes to bed, just in case he needs to leave home quickly when work calls. He managed a quick peck on Kyungsoo’s forehead without waking him up, and then left to meet his partner-in-crime and to report to their assigned location.

They work in pairs, always. His partner, Lee, automatically became the designated driver ever since Jongin’s license got suspended for two years. He was already waiting at the parking lot, leaning against the car boot, when Jongin came down. 

“Have you told him yet?” The question slipped from Lee’s mouth as he took a quick two puffs of the stick between his fingers, then flicking it away. The streets were quiet and so were they. Pushing his hair back carelessly, as if not caring about the question at all, Jongin just grunted and shook his head.

“I think you should. Two years together and you are still keeping secrets from him.”

Jongin crossed his arms, still staring at the emptiness in front of him. “I am not keeping any secrets from him, Lee. I just don’t want to put him in anymore uncomfortable situation. Already, he is risking his career by being with me. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss. Right?”

Silence.

“Kim, I think Kyungsoo will be able to handle it well. You both have been having petty fights lately and I can see that he is feeling insecure and unsure, but he doesn’t want to show it. If I am in his shoes, I would be wondering too, about your odd and irregular working hours.” 

Jongin turned and looked at Lee, wanting to say something but at that moment, Lee’s phone rang. At that same time, Jongin felt like someone was looking at him. He looked up and he thought he saw a silhouette of Kyungsoo, standing at the window. But there was no one there. 

The wind was blowing stronger that night, so the trees and leaves were swaying more than they usually do. Perhaps that is why Jongin thought he saw Kyungsoo at the window. The weather has been unpredictable of late but he welcomes the cool nights in the past week. Sometimes, he wished so badly that he gets to cuddle his loved one while enjoying the cool breezes and listening to the sound of the leaves, dancing with each other.

“Location confirmed. Let’s go, we need to be there in 30mins.” Lee quickly moved towards the driver’s side. Jongin got in the car as well and settled himself comfortably, then took two pieces of chewing gum out - one for Lee and another for himself. Chewing gum had been very helpful ever since Jongin made the decision to stop his tobacco habits.

_“One of the sexiest things about you is the lingering smell of your cigarettes mixed with breath mints, each time we kissed,” _was what Kyungsoo kept saying when they first got together. Each time Jongin thought about this, he can’t help but to chuckle.

As the vehicle merged into the highways, suddenly Jongin feels that the world is too busy and too noisy sometimes. Contrary to how he looks on the outside, with a few piercings and some tattoos, Jongin actually loves soft things - fresh morning air, comfortable silences, freshly baked bread and lately, Kyungsoo’s hugs. There was something in the hugs they shared, almost as if it was their first and their last hug every single time.

_“Jongin-ah! Whenever we hugged after you come back home safely, I feel like I am hugging a giant cigarette stick! Tsk.”_ Thinking back about this moment keeps Jongin motivated to quit smoking.

Jongin have never felt this way with anyone else. He surprised himself when he made the first move with Kyungsoo, because he thought he will never be able to hold on to a romantic relationship with anyone. His nature of his work, stops him from getting close to anyone. Yet with Kyungsoo, it feels different. After such a long time, Jongin felt that this time, he was more willing to risk getting hurt and try to have a relationship with Kyungsoo.

He remembered the day when he plucked up courage and slipped a handwritten note in Kyungsoo’s journal. While cleaning the training room after the workshop ended, Kyungsoo had left the room for a few minutes, to speak to one of his mentors who attended the session.

For the next few days, Jongin was both surprised and disappointed that there was no news from Kyungsoo. Even when they passed by each other along the cell corridors or at the open grounds, Kyungsoo seemed normal.

One day, while Jongin was on duty at the cafeteria, Kyungsoo walked up to him and, with a safe “professional work” distance between them, said in the most unassuming monotonous tone and the most stoic expressionless face, “Yes, I feel the same for you, Jongin. But keep all the naughty thoughts on hold until you are out of here. Meantime, I allow you to think of me when your hands are busy massaging your … mind. Now you need to nod your head and then salute me.” Jongin’s heart was pounding so hard almost out of his heart, but at the same time, he found it truly amusing that this man that he was so attracted to, had an eccentric way of flirting. Until today, Jongin teased Kyungsoo about that moment.

But lately, they have been having silly petty fights. At their recent second anniversary dinner, Jongin received a call midway through and had to leave.

_“I am sorry, Soo. I have to leave soon. Someone tipped the authorities about one of our locations, and I need to be there. Will you be – “_

_“I can’t believe you are doing this today. You promised your today is mine, and ours.”_

_“Wait – you are still involved in substance, aren’t you? I thought you said you will stop?”_

_“You know how important is it that you stay clean right? For me, for us?”_

_“Leave. I will get the bill.”_

There was nothing Jongin can say to those questions that came like a round of bullets. So, he left.

The next day, Kyungsoo left a note – “I cannot live without you, Jongin. But if living with you means living with those things that I fight against at work, then I guess I have to learn to living as a single man again. You should know that as a rehab officer, I am supposed to report them. I am going back to my own place. I will arrange for my things to be packed and delivered to me next week. Still, I love you.”

Staying apart proved to be a difficult thing for them. Within two weeks, Jongin was already nibbling Kyungsoo’s ear as they cuddled together for a dra-marathon weekend. They decided not to talk about their work matters until they are both ready, and will just cherish their time together for now. Jongin vowed to himself that someday he will get himself out of this situation and put his lover’s heart at ease.

“Kim, we are here – Dress up.”

Jongin didn’t realise he had been daydreaming about his love for the past half an hour. They arrived at the assigned location – it was dimly lit so visibility was not the best especially since Lee had turned the headlights off after turning into the lane earlier. He reached under his seat to take out a black pouch. He opened it and inside, there was a loaded piece of metal. He strapped it to his ankle tight, and covered it well.

Another day, another job to take care of.

**

Kyungsoo looked so dashingly handsome in his full uniform. With his hair swept back, his beautiful big brown eyes sparkled like magical gemstones. It was his graduation day and all his hard work for the past two years paid off, and now he is a qualified Counsellor. He smiled to himself in the mirror, after checking to make sure that he looks his best.

“I love a man in uniform,” Jongin said as he hugged Kyungsoo from behind, giving a peck on the back of Kyungsoo’s head. “Congratulations baby, you made it and I am so proud of you.”

Somehow, Kyungsoo could hear a tinge of sadness in Jongin’s voice and he knew exactly why. He turned around to face Jongin, and he could see that Jongin was trying hard to be happy for him and hiding his sadness.

“Jongin-ah, I wish you can be present at the ceremony later. I don’t care about what others will say or think, just be there for me. Don’t worry about it – we should not let what others think ruin how we make memories together.”

Kyungsoo cupped Jongin’s face in his hands and with a slight tip toe, kissed Jongin’s nose.

“Soo, you are an active rehabilitation officer and I am a three-times ex-offender – how can we be seen together? In the first place, we were not even allowed to be together, right? What if you lose your job?” Jongin removed Kyungsoo’s hands from his face, gently place them around his waist and they hugged instead. Kyungsoo’s face buried in Jongin’s chest; one of Kyungsoo’s favourite place to be.

Kyungsoo felt like he wanted to say something to comfort Jongin, but the truth is, what Jongin said was true. There was, indeed, an internal policy that clearly stated that rehab officers who wished to pursue personal relations with current/previous offenders, should consider leaving the department to avoid any future allegations or unwanted situations. Kyungsoo never told Jongin about this written policy, yet surprisingly, Jongin knew.

Both being introverted, the policy became a good excuse where they spend most of their times at home. Kyungsoo preferred being home with Jongin and avoid being seen together in public. Even if they head out, they make conscious efforts not to be too close or to have any physical contact.

This infuriated Jongin at first, and they fought about it so much.

Between the two of them, Jongin is more affectionately physical – a pat of the bum, a soft back rub, a peck on the cheek, hand holding, kisses on the shoulders, arm stroking even when they are doing simple activities like watching the current drama of choice. Looking at the way Jongin looked at Kyungsoo, was already a dead giveaway that there was something happening between them two.

_“Why am I still paying for the things that I have paid for with my time? I am no longer in there and you are no longer my rehab officer, and I want to fucking hold your hand! It’s just that simple.”_

_“Jongin, please. You know how people are mostly homophobic, and it is a small world. People know people who knows other people! There is no need for public display of affection anyway. Those are for teenagers with their puppy loves,” _

_“Those are YOUR excuses, Soo. It is not as if I want to be kissing you or doing some sexy with you in public. This is ridiculous, seriously. I can understand to a certain degree, but this is too much. And for your info, holding hands are for anyone at any ages. I want to hold the hand of the one that I want to grow old with, every day. If that is a problem for you, then maybe I am wrong for you.”_

_“Fine, I will quit my job. Then all these stupid arguments will not happen.”_

_“That is not the point, Soo! Don’t you dare put this on me, just because I can’t help myself sometimes, damnit! You think quitting is the best thing you can say right now?”_

Doors slamming, someone stomping off, random things being thrown on the floor and sleeping in separate bedrooms were getting more frequent. Yet in the midst of all the endless looping of making up and breaking down, they kept trying. It felt as if they were soulmates in the previous lives and that connection was not broken, so they have to go through this again and again. But until when?

Sometimes, memories of their arguments come back but Kyungsoo always try his best not to blame anyone for this. One reason why he loved Jongin, was how he felt safe when they embraced. Jongin’s light touches and affections, made Kyungsoo feel warm and loved and it was like cocooning in a protective bubble, away from the harshness of real life and reality. That was how Jongin made Kyungsoo feel – safe.

“You okay, boo? Let’s not think too much about what we cannot do. It is your grand day today so let’s celebrate that. Go wreck that ceremony later, Officer of the Year. Then when you come back, we can celebrate together and if you are lucky, you will not be walking well tomorrow,” Jongin said, with a naughty smirk on his face.

Kyungsoo kicked Jongin in his shin, before breaking away from their embrace.

Kyungsoo knew that it was not easy to get to this point of their relationship, and he will continue trying his best to make things work. Jongin was fully aware too, that this was the choice they both made, and he will try his best to make Kyungsoo happy. But they both knew that even after three years of being together, the reality of the matter is more real than people can imagine, and sometimes it is just too hard to handle.

**

It was their fourth year together and they both have stopped celebrating anniversaries by having special dinners or making any plans at all. Over time, they learn that their relationship and love can be celebrated on any day they wish, or rather, on any days they both were available. What is planned romance when one works odd hours and days, while the other is busy with reports and house visits.

They were living together yet separately at the same time.

Some of their close friends have remarked that for a couple with so much odds against them, Kyungsoo and Jongin were managing the relationship pretty well.

_“So, share with us – what’s the secret of maintaining a relationship like yours?”_ They get questions like these very often, and each time, they looked at each other and smiled. Sometimes they wonder why do people assume there was a secret. Or that, four years is a long time for a relationship. In fact, only a handful knows how they actually met - people don’t need to know what they don’t need to know.

The thing is, there are no secrets – their relationship has no definite milestones or destination, hence there are no quality checks or benchmarks. They don’t even know what to do sometimes or how to move forward after a disagreement. There were no manuals nor instructions given, and all that they are now, are the result of their commitment to make things works and their desire to work things out. Truthfully, there are definitely days where they want to give it all up.

And today was one of those days.

Jongin came home, after being at work for the past 48hours, limping and with a bandaged ankle. Earlier, while running during a short chase, he had stepped on something and he thought he heard his bone cracked. Lee brought him to seek medical attention and thankfully, there was no fracture. In the car, on the way home, Jongin have been thinking what to say when Kyungsoo asked what happened.

“Kim, you know Kyungsoo is going to ask you what happened, how and where. I really think that you should tell him the truth this time and come clean. The longer you keep it from him, the harder it will get for you to tell him. I don’t understand why you refuse to let him know even after so many years! I hate to lie to him whenever we meet and he asked about our work together.”

Jongin leaned his head back, eyes closed while his fingers nervously tapping on his right thigh. He didn’t understand why he was brave enough to be in dangerous situations at work, but he became a coward when it comes to this important issue. Maybe because he had assumed the relationship wouldn’t last this long so he felt there was no need to worry Kyungsoo much. Yet, now he must confront this because in all honesty, keeping it a secret is tiring and draining him mentally and emotionally.

“I am not here to tell you what to do. The choice is still yours – but consider it ok? The truth may hurt his feelings at first, but prolonging this might ruin all that you both built. Do you really want that?”

Lee was right, Jongin thought. But the fear, oh my goodness, the fear of the losing Kyungsoo was simply unthinkable. He did not know what to do. A question crossed his mind – _will the truth or the_ _lies, be their breaking point_? Well, he was about to find out. He stood at the main door, struggled to put his keys in, took a deep breath and got mentally ready to share his truth.

Kyungsoo was not home when he entered. Puzzled, Jongin called out his name, “Soo, you home?” but there was no reply. Usually Kyungsoo would be sitting on his reading chair at this hour. Jongin sat down and reached for his phone to call him. Phone rang quite a while before Kyungsoo answered.

“Hello? Soo? Where are you? Are you okay?”

“I don’t want to talk to you right now, Jongin.”

“But why? I am worried about your whereabouts because you are usually home at this hour. Are you okay? Do you-–“

“Jongin, I said I don’t want to talk to you right now.” Kyungsoo ended the call, leaving Jongin hanging on the other side.

Jongin couldn’t let this go easily so he sent a text. The messages he sent were read, but no responses. He decided to let the matter be and wait for Kyungsoo to come back safely. He knew he may have screwed it up again and maybe this time, if Kyungsoo leaves for good, Jongin has nobody else to blame except himself.

After shower, Jongin went to make himself a cup of hot chocolate – his usual night beverage. Something about the smell of hot chocolate that is comforting to Jongin. Usually, Kyungsoo prepared for him because “Mine taste better than yours” and Jongin lets him. In fact, over the years of staying together, they have unknowingly developed a certain late-night session together, where they talked about their daily activities, do some minor gossiping or discuss about their next vacation, over hot beverages at their kitchen island.

Jongin enjoyed having night conversations like these, something he never had before with anyone that he had been with. But then again, most of his relationships didn’t last more than 6 months. Most of the girls he was with, left because he was unable to make them feel secure enough. His odd working hours and sometimes being uncontactable for 2-3 days made it really difficult for any relationship to build. Men he had been with, well actually just _two _of them, were one-night stands.

While Jongin craves for domesticity and building a solid connection with someone, he also knew that his job made it hard to achieve his dream. Until he met Kyungsoo. With Kyungsoo, there was an unexplainable sense of familiarity and comfort. Although it would have been better if they had met outside of those walls. Jongin never expected that Kyungsoo will come into his life and stay.

Each time that he had to serve his sentence, Jongin tried to get closer to Kyungsoo and it worked out as planned. Risky, but he was not going to give up without trying. Strangely, Jongin felt that they will be able to weather any storm together.

Thinking back about all these memories, Jongin became determined that tonight he should tell Kyungsoo the truth about his activities. Just last night, his superior mentioned that there could be a possibility that he may have to serve his fourth sentence in remand. He promised Kyungsoo that he will keep it clean and if Kyungsoo sees him in prison again, without being informed first, Jongin was sure that will be a deal breaker. The last thing he wanted was to hurt the one he loves.

So, with new courage and his commitment to make things work, he waited for Kyungsoo to come home. He checked his phone. Still nothing.

**

Kyungsoo was already on his way back, when Jongin called. He had been out driving aimlessly for the past hour, hoping to clear his mind and ease his heavy heart. Jongin was uncontactable again, for the past 2 days, and he wondered how long more must he tolerate this. Not knowing what Jongin is up to is one thing, but to live in a constant worry about Jongin each time he goes off the radar, was taking a toll on him. Nobody can fully understand how it feels to be in his shoes.

He finds himself wondering if this is what he wants in a long-term relationship. Or if this is how other relationships are? He questioned himself if he was being unreasonable, whether he was being overly possessive or clingy and the worse thought of all, was whether Jongin has being unfaithful. All these questions have been bothering him so much, that Kyungsoo finds himself unable to focus at work and also found himself losing interest in everything.

His phone beeped several times and he saw that he had new messages. He saw who the messages were from and unfortunately, it was not from Jongin. They were from Han.

Han was the new rehabilitation officer to join and Kyungsoo was assigned to be his trainer-mentor. He was good looking, charismatic, intelligent, speaks well and Kyungsoo could sense that Han was flirting heavily with him. At first it was awkward, but Kyungsoo finds it really charming and inevitably, he got slightly charmed.

It was hard to resist funny conversations and good company, so they started spending more time after work hours, exploring new cafes or eateries and discussing about their work matters. 

Kyungsoo had made it very clear that he was in a relationship when Han randomly asked one day, if Kyungsoo was keen to go on an official date. Of course, Kyungsoo also reminded Han about the policy that discourages officers to pursue any form of personal relations, especially if it’s same gendered ones. Han understood and apologised for his directness and promised to be on his best officer behaviour.

They got along very well and shared similar interests too, but Kyungsoo was extremely careful where the drawn lines were between them. Although he was not doing anything terrible with Han behind Jongin’s back, sometimes he felt like this was what people meant by “emotional cheating”.

It didn’t help that Jongin have been away from home quite frequently of late.

_“Are you leaving at this hour?”_

_“Yes, I have to go, Soo. Don’t worry, I will keep you updated.”_

_“That’s what you always say but you never do.”_

_“Sometimes it is hard for me to use my phone, I told you many times before.”_

_“So, you’d rather make me wait and worry about you endlessly, even for days?”_

_“I am not arguing with you now. I see you soon.” _

These are what their communication have been like lately, yet people on the outside thinks they both managed it well and have a secret to maintaining a relationship for four years?

Kyungsoo parked the car, turned off the engine and remained in his seat. All he wanted to do now was to smack his own head and hope that everything is magically back to how it was supposed to be. He was angry with Jongin for being uncontactable, but he was angrier with himself for letting his emotions sway, even if it was just momentarily.

Part of him wanted to be honest and tell Jongin about how Han and how his feelings are reacting to Han, yet the other part of him feels that it was better not to share and hurt Jongin, and sometimes some things should just be kept to himself.

**

Kyungsoo came home to find Jongin, with a bandaged ankle, lying on their L-shaped sofa. Jongin tried to stand but the sudden movement caused some pain. He lost his balance and tumbled back on the sofa. Kyungsoo rushed forward and helped him out to make him sit in a comfortable position.

“Jongin, we need to talk. I need to know what is wrong with us and I want to know what makes you think that disappearing on me every now and then, is acceptable. My patience is running out. I am so angry that you can’t even leave me a text or something, so I will know you are freaking alive!”

Kyungsoo did not even change out of his work clothes because the questions in his mind needed answers as soon as possible. He wanted to hear it from Jongin himself but all that Jongin could mutter was “Calm down first.”

“You went radio silence on me for two full days, got injured and you are asking me to calm down? Do you realised the agony I feel every single time you leave me, to “work”? I don’t even know if it’s real work, Jongin. You are still in the freaking substance trade! Why can’t you just stop doing all that and find a decent job?”

They both sat with their faces buried in their own hands. One at the sofa in the living room, while the other at the dining table. Exasperation and frustrations were circling them, and they were both drained out by the argument that started an hour ago. Red faces and puffy eyes, things were not looking good at all.

“I am so sorry, Soo. I really didn’t mean to go silent on you. It was not convenient for me -–”

Kyungsoo turned his head and interrupted, “Did you just say it was not convenient? So, things have to be at your convenience for you to act decent? How selfish of you! You have no idea how angry I was and how worried I got. Have you ever had to sit down every week or every few days, just wondering if your partner is still alive or is he dead?”

For Jongin, he finds it harder for him to express himself when things get tensed. He tends to recluse or retreat, and let Kyungsoo say what he wanted to say. Funnily, Jongin thought that by doing this, he will feel less burdened. It might have worked in the beginning of the relationship, but after 4 years, he learnt that this could have caused more rifts than anything else. He wanted to tell Kyungsoo his truth but he really doesn’t know where to start and how to begin. He continued sitting there with his head hung low, hands clasped.

“As always, Kim Jongin stays silent. How are we suppose to communicate when it is just me talking to myself? Tell me. Because you are making me feel like you no longer care about working out what we have. Do you still want this with me or not? Do you even care if I have feelings for someone else?”

Immediately Kyungsoo regretted blurting that last question out because Jongin suddenly turned to look at him, with eyes so piercing as if trying to look into the depths of his soul. Those eyes, always so loving and soft when they looked at Kyungsoo, became somewhat sinister.

“You have never said that before, no matter how times we argued. Are you trying to tell me … there is someone else you have feelings for, Soo?”

For the first time, their silence was uncomfortable. It felt like any movement will trigger a drastic reaction. It felt like their breathing got heavier and louder. It felt like both were holding in their emotions. It felt like this was the first crack of a glacier. It felt sad and heavy.

“Soo, I don’t want you to answer my question actually. Leave it be. I realised that if you do have feelings for someone else, then I must have done something that created that situation.”

“Jongin, listen to m—”

“Let me finish, Soo. It is hard for me to say this, but I don’t blame you if you have developed feelings for someone else. We both know that feelings are hard to explain, or control. When it comes, there is no stopping it but when it leaves, it goes as quickly as it comes. I am sure you didn’t mean for it to happen and I am so sorry for putting you in this difficult position now. I have more to say but I cannot find more words to say so I will stop here. I am feeling tired and I want to rest now. It has been almost 60 hours since I slept.”

Jongin slowly got up from the sofa, and head towards the bedroom. But like a moth to the flame and a habit he developed, on the way to the room, he limped towards Kyungsoo and planted a kiss on the top of his head, like he always does when he comes back from work. He was about to enter the room when he heard Kyungsoo, amidst inaudible sniffles, threw the cushion he was holding at him, hitting his back.

“Kim Jongin, I hate you so much right this moment. You are not allowed to be nice to me especially when there is a possibility that we are hurting each other now. You are not allowed to make me feel guilty by being all calm like this. How dare you put my feelings above our relationship without even hearing what I have to say? What you just said made me feel like it didn’t matter if I really feel for someone else because all it takes is one sorry from you when I should be the one apologising instead? I don’t understand. Honestly, tell me – when you apologised, what exactly are your apologising for if you have nothing to hide yourself?”

Jongin picked up the cushion and held to it tight, controlling himself from being emotional and left Kyungsoo alone in the living room. Once the door closed behind him, he dropped to the floor and let his tears flow down his cheeks. It has been awhile since he cried.

**

Kyungsoo moved back to his place a week after that fight. They have not spoken to each other although they both were still sharing the same domestic space. Jongin’s irregular working hours meant they were not always in each other’s way and Kyungsoo seem to be spending more time in the study too. Jongin came back from work one day and he saw that some of Kyungsoo’s personal belongings were not at their usual places. There was no written note, phone call or a text message.

Some healthy space is good for them both right now; to clear their minds and to calm down before they try to work it out again. Jongin was not going to allow himself to be overly-positive that they will overcome this because his philosophy when it comes to romantic emotions – never hold on to someone who has feelings for another.

To some people, this may sound absurd and like he doesn’t care at all, but to him, hanging on to someone who feels for another is a stupid thing to do. Nobody can control their emotions but they can, however, control their actions. When it comes to trust, Jongin knew that Kyungsoo would never take any actions on those feelings he had developed. Right now, Jongin can only hope that they will be able to sit and talk about it, once the dust has settled.

Jongin heard his phone rang, so he rushed to reach for it despite his limp. He doesn’t want to miss any calls; in case they were from Kyungsoo. But this time, it was from Lee.

“Hey, what’s up, Lee? I am on medical leave form today until next week. Looking forward to get some rest. This better be good else I am temporarily blocking your number ok?” Jongin lets out a hearty laugh at the end.

“Kim, I just found out from my information sources that Kyungsoo resigned from his job and will be serving two months’ notice. Apparently, his application for transfer to another city was approved but he rejected it and resigned instead. I called because you told me he went back to his own place so I don’t think he discussed this with you right?”

Jongin was dumbfounded. This cannot be true, he thought.

“I thought you should know this. Maybe it is time for you both to have an open talk, Kim. We both know how much Kyungsoo love that job so I feel that something is not right with him, to make such a decision. Will you be checking on him? Or should I?”

“Lee, thank you for calling me. Don’t worry, I will get in touch with Kyungsoo and find out what is happening. By the way, don’t forget that you need to submit my case for approval. If Kyungsoo doesn’t respond to me in the next few days, at least I can meet him in prison before he leaves that place. Oh, and also, if you can that phone number I had requested for. Thanks Lee.”

“Will do. Take care, Kim. Let me know if you need any help.” Click. The conversation ended before Jongin can say anything else. Immediately after that, Jongin tried calling Kyungsoo several times but Kyungsoo did not answer.

So many thoughts floated through Jongin’s mind and most were not something he was comfortable with. His fear of losing Kyungsoo escalating slowly. _What have I done_, he repeated asked himself?

**

“So, you will be the one taking over from me, Han? The bosses made a good choice! I must say, you are one capable officer although you are new. Well, not entirely new to the industry, but to the location. I am sure you are already familiar with the job scope so the transition will be a smooth one, definitely,” Kyungsoo smiled and extended his hand for a handshake. Han took the handshake and pulled Kyungsoo closer for a half-hug, while awkwardly patting each other’s backs.

“I was not expecting you to leave so quickly, Kyungsoo. I hope your decision was not connected to how I feel for you?” With both hands in his pockets, Han wanted to know if he was one of the contributing factors to Kyungsoo’s sudden decision.

Han had asked if they could grab a quick lunch together, so here they were, munching sandwiches and sipping iced coffee in the middle of the hot and humid afternoon.

“Actually, this was not a sudden decision to me. I have been toying with the idea to leave this place, the moment I graduated and became a certified counsellor. I thought with this new set of knowledge and skills, I want to explore the world outside of this place. I think there are still so much things to learn by being out there? Honestly, this place is my comfort zone. But I think I am ready to, you know, shake things up a bit. My decision is not directly caused by your feelings for me, don’t worry about it. I kinda allowed myself to feel too, but I am glad that we talked about it and realised that feelings are just, feelings. Remember what you said? Nothing wrong with having feelings, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone, right?”

Han smiled. “I am relieved to know that, Kyungsoo. At least we both acknowledged our feelings for each other, and we both chose not to do anything about it. For selfish reasons, I wished we had at least, went on some dates together. But I understand why we cannot. Part of me do not wish to have anything with you that starts in this manner either. Also, I think I know the main reason why you decide to leave. My guess is, a certain Mr. Kim and I think you left this bit of information out earlier. Well, don’t worry, the secret is safe with me.”

Kyungsoo was taken aback but calmly replied, “Well, I guess I have reached a stage where I figured a small sacrifice is needed to keep something that matters more to me. You know that policy, right? It keeps hanging over our heads, causing so much bitterness in the relationship. It was hard to talk about it to Jongin, but we both don’t even have anyone else to confide it. It feels like prison, outside of prison. You get what I mean? So, I thought, I should give myself a chance and be totally free, and see what comes after. It doesn’t help that he is keeping something from me too. But only after I free myself from this limitation, then I can talk to him about his issue. I cannot expect him to be truthful when I myself, haven’t really been truthful to him either. I hate to admit that leaving this place is an option that I was scared to do. Hence, my decision to resign and hopefully, to save my relationship too.”

“So much wisdom from my mentor! I wish you all the best in your adventures ahead! Come, let’s cheers to good beginnings for us both!”

Han raised his cup of coffee, and Kyungsoo did too, with a soft firm “Fighting!” and they took a big gulp of their drinks, followed by a thumbs-up, pretending that they were doing a television advertisement that was gaining popularity lately.

The sun was shining brightly outside and the clear blue skies made Kyungsoo think about having a beach vacation soon. But thinking about the beach led him to thoughts of Jongin. He missed Jongin so much. They always try to plan for beach trips because they preferred a laidback relaxing holiday, away from their daily stress of life and the urban jungle they live in. Kyungsoo thought about how they spend hours by the pool or at the beach because Jongin loves swimming, and Kyungsoo is not complaining about that bared torso, bronzed skin and of course, the tattoos on some parts of Jongin’s body.

_“Touch and trace it if you want to.” _Kyungsoo will never forget how Jongin grabbed his index finger and traced the lines of his tattoos on his arms and chest. The first time that his finger touched Jongin’s skin, gave Kyungsoo all sorts of embarrassing feelings in his pants. And, in Jongin’s pants too, it seems.

“Kyungsoo, did you hear what I just said?” Kyungsoo snapped from his thoughts and apologised to Han for drifting off into nowhere for a while. “Sorry, Han. I was just thinking about nothing. What is it that you were saying?”

“Well, I was saying that I will make my move soon because I think your next appointment is here.”

Kyungsoo was surprised, his brown eyes all big and round, “My next appointment? I didn’t make any appointment with anyone today except with you. You must be mistaken, Han. I think --”

Han stood up, waving his hand and beckoning someone to come over, even before Kyungsoo could finish his sentence. Suddenly, Kyungsoo knew who was approaching, because Jongin always used the same perfume on his non-working days and now that familiar smell is getting closer and closer.

“I will leave you two alone now. Kyungsoo, I will see you in the office tomorrow. Jongin, thanks for coming all the way here.” Han said as he shook Jongin’s hands and then gave Kyungsoo a quick wink before walking away.

**

It has been almost a month since they last saw each other and now here they are. Seated across each other, anyone who saw them will definitely say there was tension surrounding them, well maybe some sexual tension. Many a times, friends and acquaintances have mentioned that when they both walk into a room together, the others just fade to black; the aura they possess.

“Soo –”

Ahh, the voice Kyungsoo missed so much. If things were not so complicated, Kyungsoo would have loved to throw his arms around this man and share a long hug after being apart for so long. It is amazing, and new to Kyungsoo, how one can love someone else this much but Kyungsoo is a very practical person. He believes that love alone cannot sustain a long-term relationship or a marriage. One can love endlessly but when it comes to reality and life choices, sometimes love itself, needs to take a backseat. Just like now – Kyungsoo loves this man in front of him and the love they shared, but perhaps staying in this relationship may not be the best for them.

“Soo, before you left, you asked me what exactly was I apologising for if I had nothing to hide, and I kept quiet. That question has been in my mind ever since and you were right – there was something I was hiding from you and I was apologising for keeping it from you all these times.”

Goosebumps, and Kyungsoo felt dizzy suddenly. This was not what he was expecting at all. What was Jongin hiding? His palms started getting clammy, his heart beat quickened and he had to remember to take deep breaths in and out to calm himself. A thousand Korean drama scenarios crossed his mind and he hope that Jongin will let him down easy with whatever he was about to share.

Jongin removed a card and a folded piece of paper from his wallet and placed it on the table, then pushing it towards Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo took them in his hands and perused over what they were.

“I have always been open and truthful to you since day one, Kyungsoo. But I am ashamed that I have been hiding this from you. As time passed by, it was harder for me to tell you and I worry if this will break the trust we build. Every day I lived, I worry about this and some days I wish you found out about it by accident on your own. I just didn’t know what to do or say.”

Kyungsoo was still looking at the card and letter in his hands. His ears turning red, and Jongin could see the clenched fists and jaw. All Jongin wanted to do was to hug the one he loved, but right now, some things need to be discussed first. Enough of hidden truths between them. He just wants to work things out, like they always do.

“Kim Jongin, you are unbelievable! This letter - are you telling me that you will be serving your fourth sentence in prison again in three days’ time, despite me saying that you should stop doing substances and just stay clean? Wait let me read again … it states here that it will be for six months? Which means that I will be seeing you again in that goddamn place until my last day of service?”

Jongin nodded. He came mentally prepared that Kyungsoo will be walking away from him once everything is shared.

“Soo, I got news that you submitted your resignation. You were not answering my calls and –”

“AND YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS THE BEST IDEA TO SEE ME? You are crazy, I swear. And this card? URGH!”

“No, Soo, let me finish.”

“Go on, I am listening. How did you even know about my resignation? This is crazy!”

“As I was saying, I got news that you submitted your resignation. You were not answering calls so I had to do what I had to do, to see you again. I got Han’s number, by the way I know he was the one who tugged your heart slightly but that’s not the point -–“

“Kim. Jong. In.”

“That was not the point, I said. So, I sent Han a message to ask if we could talk and he was fine with that. We talked and he confirmed your resignation. Somehow, it was with his help that I am able to be here today to talk to you, before I report to the detention centre. Please give me a chance, Soo.”

Kyungsoo was so torn between feeling angry and feeling betrayed by all this new information he is hearing. He looked out of the window, wondering how to feel or react to all these. Somehow it felt like some relief because he finally knows the truth, yet he cannot help wondering why did Jongin hide it from him.

“All those times you had to leave in short notice, or work at wee hours of the morning, being uncontactable for few days and making me freaking worried about you …”

“I am so sorry for all that, Soo. I was under oath as an undercover agent that I cannot tell anyone what I exactly do or share my precise locations as well. By telling you all these, I am already breaking my oath but you mean so much to me, and I just can’t let us end this way. It was so hard for me to keep it from you. The work I do, it involves people who can be dangerous, and I thought I was protecting you from any harm. The less you know, the better. Just in case, you know –”

“Shut up, Jongin. Stop talking.

Jongin leaned back, with hands on his laps. He stops his legs from shaking too much, as he looked at Kyungsoo, trying to read the expression and body language. But Kyungsoo was hard to read.

Kyungsoo kept looking at the card and the letter in his hands. The card was familiar, because he had one as well. The card gave the cardholder, authority to act accordingly when it comes to arrests. _This man has been working undercover right under my nose_, Kyungsoo thought. The letter, with the official letterhead of the narcotics agency, stated that Jongin will be in prison for the next six months as part of the operations that he was involved in. _This man is driving me crazy right now_, Kyungsoo huffed at that thought.

“I will be going in three days’ time, Soo. I know all these will be overwhelming for you right now. Your silence means your thoughts are on overdrive. I am not expecting anything from you but I want you to know that I feel relieved now that I have finally told you my truth. I am sorry I took so long. I really hope we can work this one out, like we always do. Take as much time and space as you need. Meanwhile, please know that I love you.”

Kyungsoo turned his head away.

“Leave. I need to be alone.”

**

Kyungsoo was doing some last-minute packing. He has been looking forward to this beach holiday for the longest time. So much have happened in the past six months and he needed a long break. He imagined cool margaritas and thin pizzas by the pool or beach, lying on the sunbeds and enjoying the sun and clear skies. Ah, bliss.

Kyungsoo served his two months’ notice well and he saw Jongin in there, but they kept their interactions to the bare minimum. Even when he saw Jongin with bruises and cuts, Kyungsoo chose not to approach or ask anything. He felt this was the best way to handle it. The handover with Han went smoothly too, so Kyungsoo was happy to be able to be free from the prison that he placed himself in, for the last 8-9 years.

The first three days of ‘freedom’, he just slept a lot, ordered in his favourite foods and watched light-hearted movies, mainly romcoms. He never really realised the comforts of wearing pyjamas for the entire day, until then. The following week, he spent some time visiting his family and catching up with his friends. He also started on active job-hunting, had secured several job interviews and even received some job offers.

Things on the outside of the prison walls and his comfort zone, are not as bad as he thought, and so far, he is taking his own time to appreciate his surroundings. It gets lonely sometimes without Jongin, the man he has been staying with for a while. But he refuses to think about that too much and think more positively instead.

Han have been keeping an eye on Jongin and sometimes, messages Kyungsoo about Jongin’s progress in there. “He looks miserable, Kyungsoo. I think six months in here is too long for him. It is breaking him down mentally and physically. I am also sure, emotionally too. Anyway, take care and enjoy your sabbatical!”

The alarm he set, rang. It was time to leave the house else he will miss the flight. He grabbed a few more things, placed them in his luggage and some other items in the hand-carry bag. Times like these, he wished he had someone to help him with the luggage and bags. He placed them nicely in the boot of his car, carefully carrying one by one.

He started his car, and drove off. Music playing in the background, he felt happy and started humming to the songs. He does not know what will happen tomorrow, but he is prepared for what today will bring.

Strangely, he is feeling nervous and excited at the same time. He is unsure if this is because of his new found freedom, or the general feeling of being liberated from all the worries he had before. He arrived at his destination but remained seated. He checked to see that the travel documents are in his bag, then to check himself in the mirror to see if he looks fine or if there is anything stuck in his teeth.

Five minutes later, Kyungsoo saw him, the love of his life. He just stepped out from the gates and was chatting with one of the officers. He is in his usually black tee and blue jeans attire, with a small backpack, looking as handsome as Kyungsoo can remember. Kyungsoo reached for the breath spray and sprayed into his mouth, then sprayed some perfume too.

He stepped out of the car, and at that moment, he saw Jongin turned his head and even from afar, he could see the smile on his love’s face. Jongin shook the hands of the officers and then walked, towards Kyungsoo, almost running and jogging at the same time. Kyungsoo could not help but feel like his heart is bursting and his groin is blazing.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“I am Jongin, hopefully still the crazy love of your life - nice to meet you.” Jongin introduces himself and extended his hand. His hair was slightly longer than what Kyungsoo remembered, and some facial hair was growing rather nicely too.

Kyungsoo scoffed but still took Jongin’s hand then said, “I am Kyungsoo, and nice to meet you too, the one who drives me crazy.”

Jongin threw his head back and guffawed, then putting one arm around Kyungsoo so that they can hug each other freely. As if time stopped, they hugged without a care, and take in the moment of being reunited again.

“I miss the smell of you, Soo. Prison smells are nasty.”

Kyungsoo hid his face in Jongin’s embrace, without saying a word. Suddenly Jongin’s phone rang and that startled Kyungsoo. _Oh no, this feels like déjà vu._ Kyungsoo got worried if this is going to be the call that will ruin their vacation together.

“Hey Lee! Yeah, I am finally out. Yes yes, Kyungsoo is here with me now. Thanks for the wishes, man! We are heading to the airport now, so remember – do not call me for the next 10 days! I deserve this freedom after you guys put me in there for six months. Yes yes, we will. Thanks, and I will see you when I get back ok?”

Kyungsoo looked at Jongin, expecting him to say something.

“That was Lee. He sent his regards and told us to enjoy ourselves. He also asked me to tell you to be prepared because six months in prison means I have a lot of internal needs to unload!” Jongin smirked at the end of that sentence, inviting an angry knee kick to his groin. “Hey, be careful Soo, these are our happiness for the next few days!”

“Stop talking nonsense. We are going to be late. Let’s go.”

Deep down, Kyungsoo feels relieved and happy that Jongin is back by his side. This time, under different circumstances and with no more hidden truths between them. There are no guarantees how things will be, but at this moment, this is all that he needs.

He revved the engine a little, and then drove them out of that area. He loved it that Jongin’s hand is on his thigh.

“Thanks for planning and packing everything, baby. I love those handwritten letters you sent to me. Although you had special treatment because Han was there so he passed them to me personally, else imagine the officers faces if they read what we both wrote. Sometimes, it is nice to start all over again and get back to the basics. Right?”

Kyungsoo took Jongin’s hand and bring it up to his lips to kiss it. “Yes. With you next to me, definitely.”

Jongin kissed Kyungsoo’s knuckles and with smiles in his eyes said, “Soo? You remembered to book the official who will be marrying us right?”

“OH SHIT!”

**Author's Note:**

> THANK YOU for reading it until the end! I need to mention that midway through writing this, I had a slight change of plot/story because I saw a fanart that I felt was suitable, and goes very well with the song prompt and the general fic theme I had in mind. The fanart that inspired me -->> https://www.instagram.com/p/BvXJB7Vhyu0/
> 
> Lastly, this fic is dedicated to the one who once said "Let's not talk and drift apart" - I miss you. Stay safe and be happy wherever you are =)


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